life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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