4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
