All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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