just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
