My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
