It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
