does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
