There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
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I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
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And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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