Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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