We won't sleep together?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
