the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
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I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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