Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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