o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
