Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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