Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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