I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Why is there bacon in the couch?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
