Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
