my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
