I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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