We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
