I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
