Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
me + whiskey = a bad person
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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