The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
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at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
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Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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