So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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