Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
