I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
