Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
