Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
