feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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