I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
