ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
