He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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