1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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