dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
