FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
