You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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