I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
