how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
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hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
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