Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
