I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
