Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She even gives head with a lisp.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
