Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
