I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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