I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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