I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
