I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
