I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
