I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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