So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Can Purell be used as lube?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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