opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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