I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
