He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
