i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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