SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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