i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
