My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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