The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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