I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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