So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
