Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
