I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
